Jealousy can and will ruin your relationship. Like most destructive relationship traits, jealousy is a habit. Fortunately, habits can be changed. Keep reading to find out how to replace your jealousy with happiness.
Why Are You So Jealous?
Jealousy comes from an insecure mindset. The most common beliefs that cause jealousy in relationships are boil down to the following:
The belief that you are replaceable. (Low self-esteem).
The belief that your needs will not be met. (Low trust).
Let’s examine them.
Jealousy and Low Self Esteem
Jealous partners want to control their other half because they need reassurance regarding their value.
If they had a high self-esteem, they would not be so easily threatened and fearful.
If you are threatened by the idea of your partner looking at someone else, talking to someone else, or spending time with someone else, then you are not secure in your value as a partner.
You think that you need to control who your partner looks at because there is a constant fear in the back of your mind. You fear that they might look at someone who is more pretty/handsome/skinny/curvy/tall/buff/petite/etc or that they might find someone more interesting/funny/smart/etc. You are scared that this opinion will grow into an interest, and you are terrified that this interest will turn into an investment.
Basically, you are scared that your partner will look at someone else, find them more attractive, and want to spend time with them instead of you. You fear that your partner will replace you.
If you are constantly insecure about your partner replacing you, then you need to work on your self-esteem.
Stop Jealousy By Raising Your Self Esteem
You need to take the time to love and appreciate yourself.
If you have a lot of insecure beliefs about yourself, i.e. you think you are unlovable/stupid/ugly/boring/etc, then you will have quite a bit of inner work to do. This is not a bad thing- this just means that you have a lot of growth ahead of you. Be patient with yourself.
Make a list of 3 things you love or like about yourself. Maybe you love that you always give money to the homeless person on the corner; take the time to appreciate your generosity. Maybe you love that you always keep your environment clean and organized; appreciate your orderliness. Maybe you love that you always manage to laugh during stressful situations; appreciate your positivity.
Don’t focus on your negative and insecure beliefs. The more you focus on them, the more you strengthen them. Focus on the positive beliefs you hold about yourself, and repeat them often. Ask close friends or family to give you genuine feedback about what they admire in you.
As you learn to love yourself, you strengthen your confidence in your good qualities. When you know you have great qualities, you aren’t scared that your partner will leave you. The more you grow to love and understand your best qualities, the more committed you are to a relationship that honors those qualities while helping you grow. As you love yourself, you will only allow yourself to be treated well. This might mean that you let go of a partner who plays on your insecurities to make themselves feel better. Obviously, there are many repurcussions of a high self-esteem and your life will be transformed. Take it one day and one realization at a time.
To really transform yourself, everytime you feel a pang of jealousy, make sure to appreciate yourself. You will rewire your brain to focus on the positive instead of feeding into insecurity.
Notice how good it feels to appreciate yourself. Choose to focus on feeling that way instead of buying into your usual jealous spirals.
Jealousy and The Scarcity Mindset
If you’re jealous because you are scared of your needs being unfulfilled, you are operating from a mindset of scarcity. People who operate from a mindset of scarcity are never really happy.
Let’s say your partner decides to hang out with friends instead of with you one Friday night. You get angry and jealous because you want to hang out. You are scared that your needs for fun, enjoyment, and companionship will not be met. You then spiral into a rampage of negativity-you convince yourself that you are unfulfilled, that you don’t get enough quality time or attention, and that your partner needs to give you more, more, more.
You then focus on how you never feel fulfilled in your relationship.
To fix this, you need to trust that your needs will be met.
To do this, you have to appreciate whatever your partner does for you.
Everytime they do something nice, appreciate them. Don’t be entitled. Don’t criticize. Appreciate their efforts. Reward them with verbal affirmation and affection. Give love to receive love.
Also focus on fulfilling yourself. Your partner doesn’t exist to entertain you. Find ways to entertain and nurture yourself. Practice self-care and learn to enjoy alone time. Take up a hobby and focus on developing friendships outside of your relationship. Be more independent and open minded.
Jealousy is A Choice
Due to subconscious beliefs, jealousy might seem to spring up automatically, as if it is out of our control. The truth is that jealousy is a choice. You might be really really good at making that choice, but you can always choose a different response in life.
As you practice loving yourself and loving your partner- two things will happen.
Either your relationship transforms or your relationship ends.
If you have a high self esteem, practice appreciation, and trust in self sufficiency, then your partner will either love you even more and your relationship will be even happier
You will attract a new partner that is more congruent with your new life habits.
Just trust that as you change, your life will change accordingly.
Take it one day at a time.
If you have questions or require personal coaching, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and check out my persoal coaching page.
Have a great week.