Are you still stuck on the man who isn’t right for you, doesn’t love you, or has done you wrong? Rest assured, you aren’t alone. Many heartbroken women often ask themselves “Why can’t I get over him?” Despite erasing him from your life and avoiding all contact, he’s still on your mind and pulling at your heartstrings and tear ducts. If you’re tired of constantly thinking about how much you miss him and feeling that seemingly endless abyss in your chest, read on.
Accept That You Can’t Get Over Him
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the sooner you can accept your current state, the sooner you can transcend it.
When you keep telling yourself that you can’t get over him, you probably say it with a tone of tension and struggle. You put yourself in a vicious cycle where you keep intending to get over him, fail to do so, and focus on your failure and how terrible it feels.
You need to make peace with the state you’re in. What you resists, persists.
Own up to it. Accept it. Doing so gives it less power. Say it with a shrug.
Tell yourself “Yeah, I’m not over him yet. Whatever, I’ll get over him eventually.”
Or if you’ve got it really bad, you can say “Yeah, I’m not over him, and I may not get over him, but I’m done trying to forget him and I’m okay with that right now.”
Are you alive right now? Are you able to direct your thoughts and actions to reflect your will? Then yes, you can get over him. But first you have to accept that you’re feeling hurt and frustrated.
You’re wounded. It’s obvious. You don’t have to keep announcing it. Just accept your wound completely. This is how you create space for healing. You need to free up your energy by taking back your attention and focus from the wound so that you can redirect it towards healing.
How Would You Like to Feel Now?
When you think about how much you miss him or need him, I bet you feel pretty terrible.
What if I told you that you could choose to feel differently?
Emotional states are kind of like postures- slouching may feel easier at first but it throws you out of alignment and your back ends up hurting. Sitting up straight seems harder at first, but it ultimately feels better and the more you strengthen your stabilizing muscles, the easier it is to maintain.
The same applies for your emotional state. You can always do something to feel better right? You can always try out a new perspective or choose to see your life with a different angle. You can always look at things differently.
If You Can’t Get Over Him, You’re “Addicted”
Instead of surrendering to your sadness and losing yourself to that negative momentum, you can remind yourself that you have the power to feel better and to think about something else. This is really important- you can’t think yourself out of your addiction. And that is what being stuck on someone really is- its an addiction to those set of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs that pull you into that familiar sense of misery and dread. You can’t reason your way out of an addiction. You can only make simple choices and go with them.
Make the simple choice to get out of bed or get off his social media page. Make the simple choice to go to the gym or hang out with a friend or treat yourself. You need to shake up your routine.
Do something different. Read a happy book. Listen to different songs. Watch a funny movie. Do it with the intention of letting it lift you up. If you decide that the book/song/movie isn’t going to make any difference, then it probably won’t make any difference. You have to make the conscious choice and effort to focus on the positive and be receptive to feeling relief.
Don’t overthink your situation. All you can focus on and change is what’s going on now.
You have to choose to open yourself up to feeling a little bit better right now.
Getting Over Him Takes Time
You wouldn’t expect yourself to develop perfect posture as second nature overnight. You can’t expect yourself to get over him that quickly, either.
But what you can do is choose how to respond to your lapses. You have to be able to shrug it off or laugh it off whenever your mind starts to race with thoughts about how much it hurts to be away from him. Shrugging it off or laughing it off allows you to accept those lapses without building up more resistance. Don’t get mad or frustrated with yourself- be patient but diligent in choosing to focus on something else.
You Don’t Need to Wait for Closure
One of the most important things to be able to accept is confusion.
I know that many of you think that closure is the solution to all your problems, but I’m here to tell you otherwise. You can’t expect closure from someone else- no one owes you an explanation as to why they’ve left your life or why they’ve treated you the way they have. The people who hurt us are often not completely aware of why and how they’ve hurt us. Drop your need for external closure now.
You might anticipate a future where you’ll always wonder why or what if.
Drop that, right now. Do not give your power away like that. Your peace of mind does not depend on anyone but you.
You have to be okay with never knowing their reasoning or their true feelings. You have to be able to shrug it off. Realize that you don’t need it to live the life you truly want. You don’t need it to choose to feel happy now. You don’t need it to build better relationships in the future and you don’t need it to find peace in the moment.
Let go of your need for closure and you will get over him much quicker.
You Have to Stop Repeating Your Pain
You might have a constant voice in your head repeating all the ways he’s hurt you or all the ways you were misunderstood or all the mistakes you made. Stop listening to that broken record. Give it your attention once and for all and let it go.
You can do this by journaling about it. Give yourself permission to write out all the ways you’ve been hurt or all the wrongs you’ve done one last time. After you write about it, you can not write about it anymore. The list has been written and you’ve acknowledged it fully. If you feel the need to read your list, do so. As you go through each item, accept that it’s over. It’s done. It’s finished. You can give yourself permission to move on from that pain.
You can’t get over him or your past if you keep focusing on it. All you are doing is chaining yourself to a set of thoughts and emotions you play in your mind through habit.
You Have to Focus On Something Else
Make every effort to continue to shake up your life.
Take up a new hobby. Join a new club. Filling your life with the new causes the old to be pushed away.
Choose your new past times wisely. Make choices from a place of self love, not desperation. Use positive reasoning to conduct your life. Instead of opting to commit to a new hobby because it will fill your loneliness and get him off your mind, choose to commit to a new hobby because it will bring more fun into your life and expose you to different people. You have to watch the tone of your intentions- make sure they take on a positive tone. If you let yourself do things from a negative intention, you allow that negativity to grow in your life.
Imagine adopting a puppy because you wanted to replace your ex-boyfriend. Every time you see that puppy, you will just think of your ex-boyfriend. You didn’t grow and your mentality didn’t change.
If you chose to adopt a puppy because you want to give your love to it and take good care of it, your results will be much more positive. You will look at that puppy and feel a true sense of love and connection, not lack. You grew and your mentality changed.
Getting Over Him Requires a New Belief System
As you make changes in your life from a place of self love and positivity, you will naturally adopt new beliefs. You will see that you are in charge of your emotional state, and that even if you get knocked out of your ideal mentality, you can always nudge yourself back to where you want to be. You will accept that sometimes you do feel bad, but you don’t dwell on it. Instead, you will accept that you feel bad and you will also accept that you are done feeling that way.
That means that you will attract people who treat you better. If someone happens to treat you badly, you will understand that it is your job to communicate your boundaries. You will also understand that it isn’t your job to change them or force them to see things from your perspective. You will only commit to relationships with people who treat you the way you’d like to be treated.
If the above seems like a far off dream right now, that is okay. Just trust in your self growth and stay in the moment. Always remember your power to choose in the moment, and always make time for self reflection.