Does your love life absolutely suck?
We aren’t the first generation to experience the polarizing effects of hooking up. I’m pretty sure that people 10, 20, 50, and 100 years ago experienced the phenomenon of meaningless hookups and lonesomeness. There’s nothing to be gained from blaming popular culture and retreating to our world of “if only”.
1. You have NO idea what you actually want.
I get it, most people don’t know exactly what they want, and that’s usually a good thing. Dating is a great way of figuring out what you do want, but some people take it to the extreme and date without any idea of what they’re looking for. This means they have no standards to uphold or criteria to fulfil.
When you choose dates for no reason other than to “see how it goes”, you do not set yourself up for success. That’s like blindly approaching the counter at a build-a-bowl restaurant and pointing your finger at choices without looking. You’re most likely going to get some awkward combination that you don’t even want to take a bite of, let alone commit to.
So take some time and figure out what your standards are. Do you want someone who absolutely has to be funny? Laid back? Family oriented? Religious/spiritual? Generous? Looking to start a family? Or just looking for a fun fling?
This also applies to more easily defined areas. Do you have a general age range in mind? Education level? Certain body type?
If you have absolutely no standard to uphold, you’re likely to waste lots of your time and energy on people you won’t want to see again. Or you’ll skip through a bunch of potentially great dates because you just didn’t know if you were into the person, but you swear you’ll feel it when you do meet them. (Spoiler: you probably won’t.)
Or worse, you’ll find someone with qualities you do like except they lack qualities you absolutely need. For example, you might date someone really funny and silly, and you find yourself constantly laughing and having a great time when you’re together. Then you find out your date has no intention whatsoever of staying in the country, but you can’t see yourself living outside of the state. Sure, you could date for fun, but most people get quite attached to the wrong people. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
2. You’re Too Specific About What You Do Want
You want to date a millionaire rocket scientist who double majored in philosophy, does high-intensity interval training three times a week to maintain a 6 pack, is also a huge proponent of chunky peanut butter over the smooth variety, and can tell the difference between a Malbec and a Petite Syrah with a single whiff of a glass.
And you will settle for nothing less.
It’s great to have standards. It’s not so great to be a control freak, especially when it comes to your love life.
When you have an excessively long list of qualities and achievements you expect in a partner, you miss the point of dating. Dating is to have fun and potentially grow and invest in someone who is good to you and good for you. This means they cause you to grow and are good at making you feel happy, cherished, and secure.
Expecting your partner or date to meet your excessively demanding requirements causes you to close your dating pool to about 0.1% of the planet’s population.
Figure out what you actually want and need, and not what indulges your ego, your need for status, or your general fears. This means that instead of only dating someone who is a former-Olympian, best selling author, and dog whisperer who makes perfect vegan tiramisu and can speak 5 languages….you instead decide on being open to dating anyone who is fit and healthy, intellectual, loves dogs and cooking, and is a good communicator.
3. You don’t actually date people.
You actually need to go out and meet people to date people and see what that world is all about. If you’re the kind of person who likes to dismiss things before giving them a try, then this is a friendly reminder from the Universe that you need to stop. And start. Like actually start giving things an honest, open-minded, optimistic try.
If you want to date but have terrible beliefs about dating and your love life, stop investing in those beliefs. Dating can be very fun and fulfilling and there are good people out there. You just actually have to say yes and put yourself out there.
Get a hobby and meet like minded folks. Ask friends if they know someone who might click with you. Sign up for a dating service or look online. (Actually put some effort and strategy into your profile). Go about your daily life with the belief that you might run into a potential love interest at anytime (and yes, that means you need to actually put in effort towards looking approachable. And yes that means you probably should change out of those sweat pants and do something about your bed head. Just saying).
4. You assume everyone sucks.
If you assume that you’re wasting your time, there are no good men/women/people out there, then you will definitely get the evidence to support your claim. Your mind will find fault with everyone, and you will attract people who bring out the worst in you. You will generally just attract people who do not meet your standards.
You have to release those limiting beliefs.
Don’t let past experiences dictate your current life.
5. You’re Too Clingy, Jealous, or Possessive
You might be putting potential partners off by trying to contact them excessively, asking for reassurance after the first date, or assuming you two are already committed to each other when that agreement was never explicitly stated. This is by far the most damaging way to kill your love life.
6. You’re too boring.
If you have no passion for anything in life, then not many people will find you interesting. You need to find something to actually care about. You need to find something to pursue, invest your time and energy in, and grow with. This might be a job. This might be a hobby. This might be your spirituality or your diet or your exercise regime or your love for astrology or language or air fryer recipes. I don’t know. Just please find something to really care about before you start dating, or else you’ll likely lose yourself in the relationship. Interests ground us and help us become more independent and centered.
Don’t let your new partner be your new hobby or sole source of fun and excitement.
7. You don’t actually want a love life
Ah, could it be true? You don’t actually…want…to….spend…time…dating??
Don’t. Do. It. Then.
Problem solved. Be honest.
8. You don’t know how to date.
Okay, okay, that’s just the truth. Dating is an art, and most people don’t know how to do it very well. But the people who do gain the most fun out of their romantic life, and life in general.
I’m working on an upcoming book that teaches you how to master the art of dating. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for a sneak peak and check out my personal consultation page for one on one guidance regarding your love life.