It has definitely been a while since I have last written. Life has definitely been changing for me for the best, as I hope it is doing the same for you.
I receive quite a few questions on my article “How to Get Over Infatuation.” I remember writing that post a few years ago, after I found my inner peace again after having an intense crush on one of my science TA’s. Luckily, that infatuation only lasted a few weeks and I came out with some insights to share with you all.
Infatuation, obsession, and romance are all huge topics. Unfortunately, I can’t respond to everyone’s comments, so I’m writing this FAQ article to share some insight and perspective on popular issues regarding this topic.
Should I Avoid the Person Completely?
Crazy infatuation has crazy momentum behind it. Though it may seem like reversing the momentum’s direction is a good idea, it only leads to a pendulum effect. If you try too hard to avoid the person, to block them out of your life, and to erase them from your awareness, you are just giving them more power. Your mind becomes obsessed on how to get rid of them. The problem just gets bigger and even more complicated. Don’t focus on that.
To break the momentum, you have to slow it. To slow the momentum behind an infatuation, you have to see the person as just a person. Not as a god. Not as a savior. Not as the One.
You also have to see your crazy influx of emotions and feelings as just emotions and feelings, which are fleeting. Your quickened heartbeat does not mean that you two are meant to be. The butterflies in your stomach do not mean you are addicted to them and absolutely need them. The high you feel when you see them does not mean that you two are supposed to be together. Evidence of compatibility and the promise of a stable relationship are found elsewhere (for the most part).
Wisdom speaks to us calmly. Try to support that influx of wisdom by calming down and grounding yourself when you find that your racing thoughts and explosive emotions are playing tricks on your reasoning. Exercise your reasoning so that it doesn’t succumb to the things you build up in your head without much awareness.
Why Am I So Infatuated?
I think we all hold this image of an ideal lover within us. When we become infatuated and obsessed with someone, I think it is because we have reason to believe that this person could embody that idealized lover.
If your ideal lover is cool, calm, stable, and collected, then seeing glimpses or promises of those traits in someone causes us to believe that they are the lover we’ve been searching for. If your ideal lover is warm, nurturing, sweet, and quiet, you will fall hard for that reserved bookworm who always seems to give you a smile that reaches the depths of your soul. We trick ourselves into thinking they will fulfill the fantasies, needs, and desires that only our idealized lover can fill.
The problem with this is that we take it too far. We do tend to make quick judgments on whether or not someone has the traits we seek, but those quick judgments should only be seen as a call to explore further. Instead of getting to really know someone, infatuation leads us to believe we just know that we need this person and that they are perfect. Infatuation is an unfounded belief and it is ultimately an illusion.
Does Being Infatuated Mean Something Is Wrong With Me?
I think everyone experiences infatuation. It can be a fun experience to learn from. Infatuation becomes a problem when someone isn’t aware of the fleetingness and relative meaninglessness of infatuation.
Sure, instant attraction and chemistry is great, but like I stated before, instant sparks should just be seen as a call to investigate further and interact more.
If you feel like you obsess too much and too quickly, try journaling about the problem to become articulate enough about it to talk to a professional therapist efficiently.
What Should I Do?
Though I can not prescribe to you an exact regime, I do encourage you to journal about your infatuation in a productive manner. Get your feelings on paper, then analyze them. Ask yourself why you could possibly be putting so much emphasis on whatever this person does. Dig down deep.
Read some books on relationships, human needs, and projection. Also read fun books. Also do fun things. Take up a hobby more seriously. Apply all that focus and energy on making your life better. Often times we try to fill up a hope in our lives with obsessing over someone. Be aware of any manifestations of this tendency. Face yourself.
Well, I hope everyone’s year is growing lovelier and lovelier. Please comment with some broad questions you’d like answered. If you want to comment with details, I encourage you to include insight and perspective on your situation.