Breakups can be really tough. When you break up with someone you were really emotionally, mentally, physically, and maybe even spiritually attached to, it can feel like half of you is missing. You can feel lost and confused and drained. You can feel anxious and tired and you can feel extremely hurt.
Dealing with the pain of a breakup is a delicate task. Breakups put you into a pretty fragile position- you may feel overly sensitive or you might try to hide your sensitivity by doing the total opposite and pretending that you don’t care and overcompensating by “living it up.” This fragile state means that you really need to care of yourself and be gentle and easy with yourself. You also need to exercise clarity and focus as to getting back on your feet and walking the path of happiness once again. Walking this path means that you must partake in a great deal of inner confrontation, healing, and release. I hope this article helps you with that.
Asking Yourself Why It Happened
If your breakup came as a sudden mystery, try to think clearly. Did your partner give you a reason as to why you two broke up? Did your partner ever repeatedly mention his or her concerns about the relationship? Did you ever repeatedly mention your concerns about the relationship? Did the relationship enhance your life and your partner’s life? Were there any signs that pointed to the idea that the relationship had run its course and that it was time to move on?
I’m not going to ask you not to ponder the nature of your breakup- I know that doing so would be an exercise in futility, and rightly so. It is perfectly normal for us to get stuck on this question for a little bit. All that I suggest is that you help yourself get unstuck as thoroughly and cleanly as possible. This means that you need to first accept that closure is something only you can grant yourself, no matter how much you analyze the situation or the past or no matter how thoroughly your partner explains (if they do explain) their reasons for breaking up.
If you were the one who initiated the breakup, know that feeling regret is normal and almost expected of many breakups. If you’re having trouble dealing with a breakup, you probably miss your partner to a certain degree. Major breakups cause big changes in our day to day lives- we suddenly have all this space that used to be filled with another. Trust yourself.
Emotional Pain and Reliving the Memories
After a harsh breakup, your memories will be even more vivid and visceral than usual. Every thought you think and every feeling you feel and re-feel regarding the relationship will be amplified. Know that this is normal and know that this amplification does not mean you need to pursue the path of regret. Accept the fact that your mind and emotions will tend to replay memories of your relationship, possibly on repeat. This is totally normal and ordinary.
I suggest you keep a journal with you at all times. When you start feeling really emotional, write down how you are feeling, what you want, and what hurts. When you find yourself in a happier, clearer state later on in your day, you can go back and read your journal, then write down any bits of insight you pick up on. This constant conscious system of feedback really helps you tune into your moods and emotions and allows you to experience them with more balance. Balance will certainly get you out of a rut.
I suggest you also partake in a hobby that really brings you into the moment and keeps you there. Try working out with a buddy or joining an exercise class with a fun instructor. Pick up some yoga sequences and really get a feel for your body and your breath. Hang out with some friends who like to play sports and join in on their pick up games. Hang out with some animals and spend time spoiling them with love and attention and allowing their happy aura to heal you. Spend time in nature and try gardening. Volunteer for a group and meet people. Try out a few activities that will help you feel like your time and attention is being used towards a purpose. Having a purpose during this delicate time helps your emotional and mental well-being tremendously.
Taking Care of Yourself
Go ahead and eat that carton of Ben and Jerry’s and watch half of your Netflix queue. Just promise yourself that you will go out tomorrow and do something really healthy for you. If you really feel like pampering yourself and cutting yourself some slack will do you good, go for it! Just don’t get too easy on yourself to the point that you neglect your health. A few days (less than a week hopefully) of moping around is the norm, but beyond that, really try to push yourself to start one healthier habit. When we go to easy on ourselves for too long, we begin to confuse convenience for ease. We blur the lines between going with the flow and stagnation. Your health will not flow when you are stagnant, so allow yourself to move out of that slump.
When we are under mental and emotional stress, our bodies become weaker. Really be gentle with yourself at this time. I know it feels good to get out anger and sadness with really intense workouts, but don’t get too carried away. Now is not the best time to injure yourself. Balance is key.
Take the time to prepare nourishing meals for yourself and your loved ones. Take the time to really listen to what your body needs. If you feel very tired, rest. If you feel very restless, go for a walk. Try wearing your favorite clothes that make you feel really attractive and good about yourself. Listen to some new music. Explore. Indulge your creative side more than ever. Be good to yourself and allow yourself to play like a child. Allow your inner wisdom to guide you while you recover from the strain and tension. Trust that you will find joy, peace, and ease again.
Forgive yourself and forgive your ex-partner for whatever issues you feel coming up. Relationships are learning experiences. Focus on what you’ve learned and what you’ve gained thanks to the relationship and thanks to the breakup.
Dealing with a breakup is not about focusing on who was right or who was wrong. Focus on you and how
you are relating and interacting with the world now. Is this what feels peaceful and balance and good, or do you need to explore different ways of relating and interacting? This process is all about you now, so always remember that the relationship has ran its course and that its end does not at all define you or the way you live your life.
Spend a few minutes a day visualizing and/or writing about what makes you happy. Really feel yourself in the reality without getting too specific about the people in that reality- focus on you and how you feel. This will help you align with your personal drive and goals and this will help you reinforce your intentions on pursuing these possibilities. Trust that there are many great possibilities ahead of you and most importantly, that in the moment there is always the possibility to connect with peace and joy. All you have to do is allow yourself to find even the smallest hints and trails of that peace and joy. Allow yourself to follow it and make sure to take deep breaths as much as you can along the way.
All the best of luck and please feel free to leave any questions,